(Wo)Man in the Mirror

This is the story of two men. One is a villain and one is a hero. Both have been hugely instrumental in helping me understand some aspects of myself that I really need to change. It is time that I learned to accept myself for who I am and expect others to do the same.

I came out to Houston to get an education, but I never counted on the lessons I've learned. I knew I was going to be drawing blood, and setting bones and giving shots, but those came easily. I came out here on a whim, hoping that I could make up for the massive mistakes I made in the past; but I don't know if I ever truly believed in myself or my ability to perform how I needed to. I guess I hoped that if I worked really hard, that God would take care of the rest.

As a teenager, I had the usual bouts of angst and inferiority; it didn't help that I was awkward looking, with a fang and stringy blonde hair. It also didn't help that I had a pack of sisters who were frustratingly beautiful, and still continue to be. Friends of my parents would meet my family and would exclaim what a lovely group we were, but I knew I couldn't possibly be included in that compliment; not with my squewompus eyeliner and odds were pretty good that there was some kind of dribble on my boob from a previous meal.

Through the years, I've tried to cultivate the fine art of being a desirable lady. I went on dates and even had a boyfriend or two. Once it even got serious. One night in August I found myself in the arms of a man who told me he wanted to marry me, and despite his family's objections, he was going to do it. Only, when it came to actually saying "I love you", he couldn't bring himself to do it. All he could say was " you know I do, right?" When our relationship crumbled a week later, I knew the reason why. I wasn't worth it.

I've moved on and had several life changing experiences: I've discovered the beautiful deserts of Southern Utah and found fulfilment in rescuing and training huskies to race. I've come to a realization of the life I want for myself and the drive to accept nothing less. At school, I do well. I'm getting good grades and my teachers all know who I am and like me. But I recently had an experience which tested my vision of my self worth.

Part of my program at school includes husbandry, which is the basic care and maintenance of all the animals in our facility. Everyone takes their turn feeding, exercising, and medicating the animals before and after school for a week. It's really stressful, due to the harsh penalties involved if something gets missed or looked over and because it's so time consuming and involves extremely early mornings and entire weekends, tempers tend to fly. My first session was last February, and I made up my mind that I was going to have a good attitude and give it my best effort no matter how challenging it was. Things were okay until the weekend, when I showed up for an early morning Sunday shift to be met by a wrathful team leader who felt that I had not cleaned out under a sink to his satisfaction. Despite the fact that I had swept under it three times and another student vouched for me, he accused me of lying to him and sent me home-for good.

I panicked all day long and when I went over to work on a group project with my friends and they heard the story, they were outraged. They pumped me up with so much indignant anger that I was ready to bypass my kennel manager and go straight to the principal. As it turns out the kennel manger was there when I walked in that morning and I told her my tale. She told me he wasn't allowed to send me home without telling her and that we would need to hold a meeting about it. Later on I found myself in the same room with my team leader, the kennel manager, and the program director. When asked why he took the harsh actions he did, he told the program director-who was also a favorite instructor of mine- that he couldn't find a place for me. I was incapable of the simplest task and was upsetting everyone around me. It was appalling to be cut down like that in front of the program director, and I was afraid she'd believe it was true. I don't know that either she or the kennel manager did, because the program director told him he couldn't send me home because he was frustrated with me, and after he left, my kennel manager told me that she wasn't going to penalize me because he hadn't been fair. She did ask that I make up the Sunday shift that I missed, however, and I was mortified to learn that I would be working once again with the clean sink Nazi. I spent an apprehensive week praying and reflecting on why his remarks should matter to me at all. I came to the conclusion that it wasn't my issue, it was his. I was giving it my best, and my teachers must know it, otherwise I would've done more hard time. My self worth should not be so easily compromised. I have a entire network of people who know that I am where I belong, and one ignorant opinion shouldn't cause me to balk at my dreams. That Sunday I worked my hardest and we completely ignored each other. I was gratified to hear my new team leader say "Thanks for working so hard. You were a big help." HAH!

So school has become something I've become confident about. I can handle it. However, I'm still working on something that will take much longer then a week to work through. Somehow, from the time I was thirteen, I found myself spending time with boys who could only think of me as' just the buddy', or their 'little sister'. I'm good at listening and I've discovered that no matter how they try to hide it, men have feelings just like us and they need someone to vent to as much as we do. I'd become so entrenched in the 'Just Buddy Zone' that I stopped seeing myself as anything else. I no longer believed I was like other girls, worthy of crushing on and hurting over. I began to believe that it was my job to listen and say soothing, comforting things, that dates with me were only only meant to be free therapy.

I have recently met someone who has had an enormous impact on me -for the better. Through our time spent together, I have come to see that my insecurities and shields are irrational and unnecessary. He has helped me to understand that despite the fact that I am domestically challenged and burned his pot stickers when I tried to make dinner for him, I am still worth loving. Our relationship is purely platonic, but I won't pretend he hasn't set a standard by the way he makes me feel. I'm quirky, proud, stubborn and spacey at times, but I have a lot to give and I am capable of making someone happy.

Yesterday I got a badly needed haircut. Guys don't understand this much, but the affect a new look can have on a woman can change her whole psyche. For the first time in months, I feel beautiful.

A wise Michael Jackson once sang:

I'm starting with the man in the mirror

I'm asking if he'll change his ways

and no message could've been any clearer

If you wanna make the world a better place

take a look at yourself and then make the change

Right now, I need to focus on my career. I don't want to stay in Houston; it's an extremely pet friendly city, but I feel that I could do a lot good in Utah if I returned home and brought some of the advances in pet welfare that seem so prevalent out here along with me. No, I do not intend to open a doggie bakery, or pursue a career in doggie orthodontics, (braces for your pooch... because getting them for your children isn't expensive enough) But Utah dogs are worth every bit as much as these Texan hounds, and they deserve the same chance to heal. I have a lot of work ahead of me and I need someone who is going to stand beside me. and guess what? I'm worth it.

*****

I think this picture says
it all.